As I carried Toby into my car, he was barking non-stop! And the couple whom are giving up on Toby, did not bother to say a proper farewell to him. No parting words! As they were standing outside my car talking to themselves, Toby looked very confused and scared. He was standing on his  paws and barking incessantly inside my car, looking at his previous owners through the side door windscreen. What a pitiful sight! I felt so sorry for this poor doggy. As I started my car engine ready to leave, Toby realized that his owners was leaving him behind. I somewhat felt emotionally stirred and almost going to shed tears... Felt for Toby!

Throughout the journey back home in the car, Toby was barking all the time! It was horrendous. I was trying to keep my cool. I did try to pacify Toby by talking to him nicely. But this somehow did not work. On the other hand, I was feeling excited and happy. I was going to have a new dog in my life! Imagine that the joys and happy times would be back again; just like those wonderful times I had spent with Happy.

I brought back Toby to his new home. He had since quietened down and was observing his new home. He was curious to get acquainted with this new environment. He walked and toured from the living room to the bedrooms. For a few times, he just stared at all the "new" things. I was thrilled and trying to set up his new bed for him to settle down for the night.

I had already observed that Toby's appearance was really out of sheer neglect! They told me that they had not taken him out for walks for 3 months! Toby's fur was matted and stained. (not sure whether it was from urine) His nails were long and were making tapping sounds as he walked around his new-found home. Indeed, he looked pathetic! Going to bring him for total makeover and full grooming session first thing in the next morning. I also wanted to bring him for a health checkup for a better peace of mind. But sure, I am thrilled to start another chapter of my life with Toby! I felt I found a new companion in Toby. I was going to give him as much love as I could afford and the best of life. He deserved to live a better life. In my mind, I was resetting my life, like a reset button, to re-organize my life once again and be a dog owner once again! So overjoyed!

Well, for the next few months, I was busy with getting Toby re-oriented with his environment and lifestyle. (including his diet and exercises as well)

Bringing Toby to check on his health condition was critical and necessary. I had no idea whether he was healthy or had any underlying health issues. Hence, within the 1st week of adoption, I had fetched Toby for a complete blood test and check up. Well, it was a very surreal experience bringing Toby into the same vet clinic again. The last time I had to come in with Happy for his blood tests and stays in oxygen tank. Those medical expenses costed a fortune! And the most disappointing thing was that Happy could  not be well again as he was dying from old age. The whole experience and process of treating a sick old dog was very painful and depressing. 

However, things had changed now. After about 3 months, here I am - with Toby checking on his blood test and overall health condition. But I was happy that I invested this amount of money for the peace of the mind. I simply did not want to adopt another sick dog and go through another round of traumatic experience too soon. At least not when Toby was still "young". Boy, I was so beaming with pride and joy when Toby's blood test was done and out. The vet informed me that Toby was normal and healthy! This was a great contrast compared to half a year ago when I had to go through the same thing with Happy!

Toby's character and personality were very different from my first Maltese, Happy. While Happy was cheerful, playful and lively, Toby was more of a mellow one - quiet, lay back but barked excessively if left alone. Unlike Happy, he did not like to chew knotted bones or looking forward to his walks excitedly. I gathered that since I got Toby at his mid-age (about 7 years old), he would have matured quite a bit since puppyhood. Also, his upbringing history and life with the previous owners would have changed his personality quite considerably. Initially, I had a bit of difficulty of getting used to his personality. After 2 weeks of getting along with Toby, I honestly was a bit apprehensive about how we could get along together in the future. His excessive barking caused me lots of embarrassment when I brought him for walks in the park. The moment he started to bark loudly, everybody in the park would turn around and stare at me. 

In contrast to Happy, Toby was a very fussy eater. He did not like to play with toys, chew bones and tidbits. He would not eat any dog food, be it whether dry or wet. He only ate his favourite food (with very limited choices) depending on his mood. I had started to give him home cooked food like cooked carrots, steam chicken and/or pork pieces. But he would not touch his healthy food after looking at it. On the contrary, he liked to eat our human food. Sigh... so hard to please him! I must admit that I did give in too much to his "fussiness" most of the times.  I realized that his present unhealthy habits and behaviours were probably resulted from his upbringing by the previous care-less owners! I honestly did not expect this to happen. Nonetheless, I had signed myself and Toby up for basic obedience training in order to understand better and learned how to train Toby to listen to me. It was really a learning process. Well, it worked for a while; Toby had barked less but certain aspects of his stubbornness still remain. I concluded that I just have to give and show him lots of tender love, talk to him nicely and being patient with him over time. But I I told myself that to honor God this promise that  no matter how Toby behaved, I gonna to love him unconditionally till his last breath.

But having Toby as my new companion and friend, I realized that my life was fulfilling, happy and busy once again. I realized that as I was busy with Toby, I was able to find real closure from Happy's loss and departure. It was as if I had reset Happy's life again.

I made sure Toby got his walks/exercises for at least 3 times a week, bathed him once every week (usually on Sunday), brought him for grooming every 2 months, dental care and vaccination regularly and most important of all - ensuring that he ate well.

As we lived together through these years, I had got used to Toby and his peculiar habits. I recognized that Toby was unique and he would not be the same as Happy in personality. Nevertheless, I showered him with lots of love and kept him accompany whenever I could. But, life could sometimes be so busy that I neglected him. But he was always contented with laying beside me quietly all the time. Also, he loved belly rubs and massages! Whenever I did that, he would be kicking his right leg fanatically. What a baby!

Just to share an usual incident where Toby saw some unwelcome spirits at home. I was sure some of you were aware that animals can see spirits that we normal beings could not. It was a strange thing that Toby encountered "seeing" them three times during the last three months before he passed on. There was one evening where he started to stand still and tensed up, eyes wide-opened staring at the refrigerator in the kitchen area. Then, he started to bark loudly at that area! He looked fearful. Feeling startled, I had to quickly carry him in my arms to cool him down. And his barking continued for 15 to 20 minutes. I said a prayer to ask the "spirit/s" to get out of the house. Still I could not believe it that it happened to Toby till this day.

Nonetheless, I treasured Toby as much as I treasured Happy. Knowingly upfront from adoption, my time with Toby would be shorter compared to Happy's one. Still, I wanted him and myself to be to enjoy each other's presence. I found time to cuddle and take him for walks during the weekends.

In 2018, I started noticing Toby having some problems. He was coughing. To play safe, I sent him for a checkup. Upon diagnosis by the vet and an x-ray, it was discovered that his heart had enlarged and it had affected his breathing airways. I started to panic and worry about Toby's longevity and his time with me. Though there were the prescription given by the vet, all these I knew was only temporary measures.

I started to pay more attention to his physical well-being and health. Certainly not easy going down memory lane and experiencing all these traumatic experiences again! He also started to have tear stains around the eyes and mouth. He was getting old and not so active anymore. He was resting more than moving about around the house. His walks were slower and slower. Certainly not a good sign!

I did try to find out exactly what was Toby's actual age. I realized from the vet that Toby was microchipped at birth. Hence, I managed to find out Toby's age and started to count down the time and observe him if he was having more hidden potential problems.

On the last 3 months of 2019, I observed that Toby was not eating. He did not have the appetite to even eat his favourite "human" food. He used to love eating pork chop, bak kut teh (meaty pork without ribs) and fruits. He was losing weight and not walking steadily as he moved about the house. He was sleeping most of the time. I was very worried about his health condition. When it came to another grooming session in early Jan 2020, the groomer told me that Toby was very bony when she bathed him. I also noticed that he felt lighter than usual while carrying him to his grooming session.

However, Toby was still alert and moving about. Another week passed. Toby's condition seemed to get worse. I noticed something was very wrong with him. He was not eating at all and he seemed weak when he walked. He looked lethargic and was sleeping on his bed more often. I had to bring him to see the vet! It was the first day of Lunar New Year, 25th Jan 2020, Saturday. I did not have the mood to celebrate on anything. The vet mentioned that he had to check on Toby's blood and get him diagnosed further. And sure enough, the results of the report were not at all encouraging. The 1st report was inaccurate (stupid machine got hiccups!) and the vet told me Toby needed a blood transfusion! I almost fainted. I requested to have a 2nd blood test. Essentially, Toby's palettes were plunging and he was suffering from anemia due to low red blood cell count. Oh, my God! My heart sank on hearing this. But based on the 2nd blood test, the vet assured me that Toby did not need a blood transfusion of yet.

I asked the vet - so did all this imply that Toby will be dying soon? He said no, but ultimately it could end up that way if Toby was not properly treated. I could not feel more sad and depressed than facing this reality. Toby's time had finally come. I dreaded it so much! And so Toby's treatment to his health issues started at this moment. He had to stay-in and put under observation and treated immediately with medication and on IV drip. Sigh...

While waiting for the vet's to conduct blood tests for Toby, I would like to share with you something I witnessed in the animal hospital. Because it was a holiday then and it was dinner and celebration where all families were having their union dinners. The hospital was empty and silent, except for emergency cases like mine. I saw that before me, there were another dog with 3 accompanied adults, of which one was the lady owner. She was young, probably in her late 30s. She went into the vet's diagnosis room a few times. It was this traumatic and sad moment that I happened to witness it. I was waiting outside the hospital, trying to come to terms on Toby's life ending and pondering in deep thoughts of how I was going to lose Toby soon. That sadness was overwhelming. I asked God why it is now?

Coming back to that lady with the dog... after she came out of the vet's room, she sat down with the other accompanying woman. Then, she started stroking her dog on her lap. She started to cry as she stroked her pet dog. I realized what was going on. (looking from outside the glass window panel) The vet had basically given her a death verdict to go for euthanasia for the beloved dog. That doggy was breathing in difficulty as it laid on her lap. This was heart-breaking to watch them from a distance in that situation. Eventually, the 3 adults were taking turns to stroke that sick dog. By then, my vision were blurred with tears flowing down my face unconsciously.

Toby's condition did not really stabilize even with the help of different medications in the hospital. At the same time, his heart would be affected if too strong a dose were given. So it was a trial and error day by day. And there were blood tests done every day to check on his anemia. For the next 2 months, I had to visit Toby in the hospital to accompany him and gave him comfort. The comprehensive blood tests were expensive and put a strain on my financials. I did not factor in these unexpected expenses. The most painful thing to see that Toby was getting thinner and weaker day by day. The last check-in weight was only 1.9kg; a stark contrast to 3.2 kg when he was healthy. Felt so pitiful for him...

There came to a point where I have to fetch Toby home to rest and continue with the medication as there were no improvements in his condition. Basically, he was very limp and slept throughout the stay with no normal responses. As I visited him daily in the hospital, I was so distraught and depressed upon seeing his condition getting no better. From the time he went in still able to stand on my lap until he was resting peacefully on the hospital bed, there had been a decreasing quality of life. Eventually, upon checking Toby the 2nd time into the hospital, the vet brought up the topic of euthanasia. She asked me whether I wanted to put Toby to sleep. I firmly told her NO. There was no way for me to do that. I just wanted Toby to go naturally. (no doubt he will suffer longer) I had promised Toby that no matter how long he would be around at this end of life stage, I would accompany with him till his last day. I wanted to give him quality palliative care as much as I could for the remaining days, if not weeks.

During the course of taking care of Toby, I fell sick due to depression, grieving and insufficient sleep, and that impending mental stress. I started to have headaches and coughing. The thought of Toby leaving "so soon" was overbearing. I calculated the time I had with Toby and compared it with Happy. For Happy, we had him for more than 10 years whereas for Toby's case was only 6.5 years. I felt the time with Toby was too short. I did not have enough time to understand Toby and relate with him better as I was too busy with life's many tasks and goals. I found it was very tough to care for an aging pet and at the same time, I have to take care of my mum who suffers from intermediate dementia and is still deteriorating further.

Toby was almost 2 months short of reaching 15 years old. I was wishing that Toby could be healthy for a bit longer. It was not meant to be. I had to mentally and emotionally prepare to let Toby go.

After Toby's 2nd stay in the hospital, his condition did not improve. His anemia condition got worse, and the red blood cell count was even lower than the first time he was admitted. Then, I decided to bring him back home. Maybe he would feel safer and comfortable to bid farewell that way... And with that, I had to take over feeding Toby all the medications (10 types including antibiotics and eye lotions) and handling the daily IV drip solution when we were back home. It was indeed mentally challenging and physically draining. Hence for the next 2 weeks, I have to pound Toby's medications, put them into small syringes and pump them into Toby's mouth! For the IV drip, I had to master the art of handling it alone by inserting a fine needle onto the back of Toby's neck and pumping the solution into his body!!

I told myself; I was doing for Toby - out of love and patience. The least I could do for Toby was to delicate my time for him. This would be Toby's last days of his life. I was going to give him nothing but the best. I was guilty that at some point when Toby was fine and well, I did not spend quality time with him. So now, for the last time, I would want to treasure and appreciate his presence while I could.

It was a Friday morning when Toby's eyes were wide awake. I had just cleaned him after his medication, poo and pee. He was looking at me as I was sitting beside his favourite bed. As I was encouraging him with a cheerful smile and mood, he suddenly let out a few whines. I don't understand what he was trying to tell me. But I replied him with a "Yes, Toby?" However, during these last moments (and in the hospital), I would tell Toby that he should just go if he was suffering. I told him to wait for me at the Rainbow Bridge... I will never forget that look on Toby's face. T_T

Saturday morning came... Toby's eyes were closed but he was still breathing. There were nights where I would wake up constantly to check if Toby was still alive. I was very afraid that he may go just like that in the middle of the night. But today, he could not open his mouth when I spoon-fed him. I could sense that he was getting feeble and motionless. I was trying my best to contain my fears and emotions in front of Toby.

It was 10.30pm Saturday night. I had been monitoring Toby closely. He was breathing heavily. Fear gripped me. I felt something was not right with him. I decided to bring him back to the vet. I wrapped him with a towel all over him, called the vet for appointment and off I went. Waited for the call-cab for sometime and finally it came. I placed Toby beside me inside the taxi. The journey to the vet was only about 20 minutes. Upon reaching the animal hospital, the vet assistant over at the counter helped to take over Toby from me. As I unwrapped the towel to handover Toby to him, he reacted quickly by running into the vet clinic, shouting "Emergency!!!" I thought that was typical, nothing fishy about the reaction.

After 5 minutes, he came out and told me that Toby's heartbeats had stopped. I ran into the emergency room with him, asking him "how can that be?" The vet on duty for the night apologized, saying Toby had passed away. I was numb and shocked. Indeed, when I looked at Toby, he was gone and motionless with eyes opened. Then, it dawned on me that Toby could have gone while on the way (around 10.50pm?) to the hospital. And the fact that I had wrapped him with the towel, with his head covered except for a opening in front and it was dim inside the taxi, I would not know exactly when Toby had passed away. Sigh...what a dismay and disappointment - I missed the real opportunity to say goodbye to Toby! Just like that, Toby had crossed over to Rainbow Bridge...

Brought back Toby for the night for the last time. I cleaned his eyes, face and body, and laid him down on his bed once more. Folded his legs nicely as if he was sleeping peacefully.

I went ahead to arrange for his cremation at 9am the next day. It was very hard to part with Toby in this way. I could not sleep well the whole night. I was having headaches all this while and the mental stress of loss was tormenting.

The process of bringing Toby for cremation on the next day was a very emotional one. Saying goodbye to a beloved pet was never easy. I did my best to make him feel "comfortable" and lay him down to rest in peace. I brought his favourite new bed, face and bathing towels, and laid them down on Toby. Next, I decorated flowers around Toby. Prayed that he will be restored to pristine health with a new body to live life happily ever after. Before sending him in for cremation, I uttered to him to look for me at Rainbow Bridge when the time comes. Thereafter, I brought Toby's ashes home.

Four days later after Toby's death, I tried picking up my routine again by going for swim to destress myself. As I laid down on the tanning deck chair, I could see a sunny morning with white fluffy clouds floating across the sky. Suddenly, in between two clouds, two sparkles appeared. Then some small clouds that passed by started to form into a shape of a dog's face. Upon staring at it longer, I realized that it looked like Toby's face in the sky!! That two sparkles seemed to resemble his eyes.

This whole incident happened something like a good two to three minutes. Then, the sparkles diminished in the distance and the clouds faded away... I was in awe! Those spilt seconds of witnessing such unusual encounter served to tell me that Toby had safely reached the heavens! He is waiting for my return at the Rainbow Bridge. Very subtle yet heart-warming and touching message...

You may ask me why I had to go the same pain experience of losing Toby despite having experienced the same thing with Happy. But it was well worth it! I just have an affinity with dogs and now with cats! And no amount of money can buy that! I would not trade Toby for anything else. I have learned an important lesson on having pets for life: Toby is part of my everyday life and part of my family. He had provided me not only companionship but also with emotional support, reduced my stress levels and sense of loneliness, and helped me with positive emotional development.

I recalled about Toby's weak whines during his last moments as I kept thinking back the day Toby died. I gathered that probably he was telling me that he was going to leave and hence bidding me farewell...

Also, I realized that I should make an effort to find out Toby's birthday (via micro-chip) and celebrate for him. Sigh.. The main reason was that I really did not know his exact birthday initially.

Life was so difficult with Toby's passing. Immediately, the lockdown came five days after Toby was cremated. My bedroom was so quiet without Toby's presence. I could not sleep well. The loss of Toby was immerse and overwhelming for me. This grieving period was hard to get by, even though this was my 2nd time experiencing this loss. I got no one to talk to. (I talked to Toby when I was feeling down or unhappy) I really really really missed Toby a lot.

I compiled a special photo album of Toby, framed some of these pictures and displayed them on my bookshelves for everyday remembrance. Every time I looked at these pictures of Toby and Happy, tears would drip down my face. I started counting and compared the time I had with Happy and Toby. Now, both my beloved Maltese had crossed over to Rainbow Bridge...

Do I want to adopt a new Maltese again? Let him or her into my life and brighten up my days? Yes, I would love to. Really love to. But I had to care for my dementia mum, who is already into intermediate stage of dementia. Imagine taking care of another new dog and my mum every day?

I simply do not have that luxury of time. But I also need some cuddling and love. (I have my needs) Besides, the costs of a new Maltese puppy had been inflated and abused by breeders for profits. The only way is to go for adoption. However, I will not be able to adopt a young one as all of the dogs from animal shelters were from abusive backgrounds and of matured ages.

The COVID-19 pandemic had made things worse, in that we were basically in lockdown and could not network or in contact with animal shelter groups. All pet adoption drives had stopped and are not allowed by the damned restrictions. 

But certainly I will adopt once again, when I am really mentally prepared and have the financial means to support and let another new Maltese come into my heart again! Yes, that day will come. It is a matter of when... Until then, I can only dream and work towards that goal. In the meantime, I am contented to care for (my brother's) cats for now...